Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
