Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My vagina just clenched in fear
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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