used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
