you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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