I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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