I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
