she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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