News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need a beard to bite.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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