I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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