When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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