You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
