its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize