i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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