I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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