he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
