i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
