I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
