my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
