We're like a lot better than the average bears
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
