when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
