Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
