i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
