Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
