you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
