No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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