Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
