I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize