I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
