Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
