Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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