You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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