I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
