The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
