I wish they made helmets for livers.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
