And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
