see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
