she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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