He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
