Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
