your room smells of hookers.
And success
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
