I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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