Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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