LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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