plz talk dirty to me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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