Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
