Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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