I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize