broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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