I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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