We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
