I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
