maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
