Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
