I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize