you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
