I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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