wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
