i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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