you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize