God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As shirtless as possible
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
