She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
