period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
