I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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