I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize