i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
