And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm really busy with my period
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