Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
