im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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